2 Corinthians 6:14: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” The big question making the rounds in the realm of dating and marriage is, “What does he/she bring to the table?” Behind this question is a desire for return on investment, which is understandable. Relationships consume vast amounts of time and energy and are designed to be rewarding. Yet, the question misses the mark in that it is contractual. If I give you X, will I receive Y in return? The answer to that question establishes what the table will hold, but which table are we sitting at? Contractual relationships are addressed in Proverbs 5:1-14, which describes them as life-sapping foolishness. Contracts offer the illusion of security through legal agreement. If I deliver X, you are obligated to provide Y; and if you do not, the contract is void and I am under no obligation towards you whatsoever. Contracts provide detailed instructions on breaches and settlements, as they assume that breaches will occur at some point. As long as the settlement is made, there is little repercussion for breaking a contract. We have the security from the focus on deliverables, and security through the ease of casting this contract aside.
Which Table Are You Sitting At?
Neither of these provides any true security, nor do they give any real grounds to believe the contract will hold; indeed, it assumes failure is inevitable. It grants the illusion of control. Control is what we have been after since Genesis 3. We especially want control in relationships because they involve so much of our essential being.
Proverbs 5:15-19 speaks of a different kind of relationship, one in which both parties have determined to love each other and none other, regardless of circumstances: “Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
In contrast to the contractual relationship, this one is characterized as life-giving. Indeed, it is for it is focused not on getting a return on investment, but on the actions of life itself. The man in these verses is not doing something to get something, but is doing something because he wills to do it.
This is where the wisdom of Scripture gets to the point by asking not what a partner can offer us, but what it is they are after in life. Who do they serve? What do they believe? What is their morality based on? All of these questions are rolled up into one brilliant package: “Are we equally yoked?”
Agreeing on the fundamentals of purpose, morality, and accountability is the basis for entering into a secure covenantal relationship under God. In a covenant, both sides agree to do things regardless of what the other one does, and both accept dire consequences if they fail to keep the covenant. This is why marriage vows have traditionally said, “… In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or worse, till death do us part…”
There is no contingent, no quid pro quo, nothing about what the spouse is to do, only a husband or wife agreeing to live out the loving covenant to the best of their abilities, regardless of what the other does, or what is happening around the couple.
That level of commitment is frightening to us. If we do not get our needs met, we are still expected to meet our spouses’ needs. A hardened heart can easily take advantage of this and abuse its faithful spouse. God, through Moses, recognized that the effects of sin would play havoc with some marriages and provided a means of dissolving the marriage when there was no way of redeeming it. Of course, God provided this.
According to Ephesians 5, marriage is a picture of Christ’s perfect love for His Church and the covenant of grace. Therefore, the intentional, continual, and unrepentant violation of the covenant, whether through infidelity, absence, neglect, or any form of abuse, is not only a violation of a solemn and sacred vow but a direct blasphemy against the person of Christ, especially when the man is at fault. Where there is no willingness to do the long and arduous work of resetting the covenant and rebuilding the broken relationship, it should end for the well-being of the faithful spouse and the termination of the blasphemy.
This is a tragic concession for a sin-cursed and broken world.
God placed the covenant of marriage at the very center and foundation of human society, and He placed Himself at the very center of marriage. All human flourishing depends on the covenant, and the covenant depends on God for enforcement and empowerment. None of this is accidental. God designed all things through Him, and to Him for our good and His glory.
The covenant provides the tangible presence of God, which gives us purpose, accountability, and help. This is true not only in marriage, but also in singleness, for we are all in a covenant relationship with Christ. Outside of that saving, now and eternally, a relationship with Christ, it is doubtful whether a marriage can exist. The current trend in culture is towards contracts, and relationships are becoming ever more contractual. That means they are becoming increasingly self-centered and fragile. That does no bode well for society or individuals.
Relationships are most rewarding when they last. Relationships do not last because of what is brought to the table, but because of the table itself, and the two people are sitting at it. See the Bible’s big relationship question assumes that you already know what yoke you are under, so you choose the table that fits you, and you look for someone who belongs at that particular table. Now, you have a solid foundation where you are both determined to be at the same table. You can build a life on that.
And what about all those things we wanted brought to the table? When both sides are equally yoked, their devotion to God ensures they are looking after their responsibilities. So, the things meant to arrive on the table will get there. There are other things you might like on the table, but you don’t need them, and can let them go. Some things you were looking for are not worth having, while other things you never considered turn out to be very valuable indeed.
God designed all of this. When we trust His design, everything works out better. No, it still will not be easy, but it will be easier.
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