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1 Peter 3:7: “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
To be a husband is not a small undertaking. Women say the apostles are like priceless heirlooms that require special care. Peter is not putting women down in any way; in fact, he is looking out for them. Men tend to be physically stronger than women, are less emotionally aware than women, and think differently from women. For all these reasons, a careless man will harm his wife. So, Peter calls men to be careful regarding their wives. He pictures a priceless vessel that requires special care, honoring the woman as deserving of extraordinary care from her husband. Think of the effort you put in to maintaining your prized possession; that is what God wants us to give to our wives.
Now your wife is not a trophy; she is a living being with a will and mind of her own. So here is the difficult bit. A husband has to live with his wife in an understanding way, which means knowing her and applying that knowledge in love with wisdom. That is a tall order. It may seem impossible; after all, who can understand women? Well, God does not ask what He does not provide for, and so we must infer that husbands can understand women, at least the one woman they have married. Men, we can do this if we put the time and energy in. We should observe our wives and ask questions. We ought to be most curious about this woman who lives with us. We need to pay attention and try to remember what we have learned. It will be an ongoing process; believe it or not, your wife is growing just as you are, and what was true a year or two ago may not be true today. You want to know how to help her, how to help her be her best. You want to know her needs, and meet the ones you can, and direct her to God and the church for the ones you can’t. Remember, husband, you’re not her everything, and that is a wonderful truth to rest in.
H2
Men need to stay focused on this command and others like it. Do not be distracted by a wife’s disobedience; it is not your job to enforce her faithfulness any more than it is her job to enforce yours. Husbands, your obedience is not at all contingent on your wife’s behavior. Remember, it is Christ whom you obey; your service to your wife is for your Lord first. Christ has done His part perfectly, eliminating all of our excuses.
In two paragraphs, we have answered the biggest objections to this commandment. We need to drop the nonsense of the incomprehensible female mystery. If we can learn to read the signals in the forest, in the field, and at the office, then we can discern the patterns at home as well if we apply ourselves. We must also stop blaming our wives and waiting for them to come around; we as men are called to lead. Leading implies risk. In this case, the risk is that your wife may not appreciate your efforts and fail to reward them; she might even attempt to punish you. Do not be discouraged; the Lord knows the heart and honors pure intentions. Let that fact also detour us from shallow displays of obedience.
Now, to be thoroughly practical, you will find a wealth of insight in Genesis 3:16, particularly the second portion of the curse on Eve. You see, earlier in the chapter, Adam let his wife down when she needed him most. Men have been following in their fathers’ footsteps ever since; our absences leave the women with the same doubts and fears as their first mother. Women want security, and they seek it through control. You will be tempted to wrestle for that control using your advantages of brute force, but the better way, the way Christ has called us to, is to win her submission through faithful service. You are fighting to prove you can be trusted when it counts.
Being there can be tricky; there are loads of places to be, and only one of them is here. We can find ourselves at the office working hard to provide more financially. We might be at the church trying to serve the Kingdom more. We might be in the future trying to plan and prepare. We might be in the past trying to vanquish ghosts. We might be in our happy place trying only to escape the stress of everyday life. Provision means more than money. Your first order is to serve your family: particularly your spouse. Tomorrow belongs to God. Yesterday belongs to God. The only true escape is into the waiting arms of God. Jim Elliot said it well, “Wherever you are, be all there.” You are needed here and now. Perhaps you do not feel that, but the facts do not care about your feelings. If you are feeling unneeded or unwanted in your home, it is likely a sign that you have been missing in action and those who need you are finding it hard to trust you. Showing up can often heal these wounds and restore this trust. Biblical counseling can speed that process along and treat deeper wounds.
Finally, brothers do not cease to work on yourselves. Losing ourselves in work, service outside the home, our future, or our past, or in fantasy is a sign that something of the grace of God in Christ is not properly applied. We need the gospel to shape us as men; it makes us the strongest we can be. You are a tool in the masterful hands of God; personal devotion, fellowship and accountability with other godly men, and communion with God are all ways that He refines His tools so that they are most effective for His work. These means of grace are the training grounds where He prepares us to do great things for His Kingdom. Brother, there is but one King; we are each the stewards of His castle, husband of His daughter, and caretaker of His children.
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